The Twists and Turns of Life

Sometimes it's difficult for me to really get out how I am feeling and what is really on my mind. Anyways life has not always been as easy as one would like it to be. When I was 22 I found out I was raised by my stepfather who for my entire life has always treated me as one of his own, he is a person I love and admire with all my heart. I however at the news was shocked and hurt. So acting on that I started my search for my biological father, the guilt set in and I quit, however while living in Louisiana I really started working on my family history, and started to look for him again. I had so many questions I wanted answered, the biggest one being why. Such a simple question but the answers aren't always as simple as one would want. The twists and turns that happened in those few months really changed my life. The excietment of finding him was soon filled with guilt towards the man who raised me and loved me unconditoinally, then towards anger. I wasn't sure where I fit in this world or who I was. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. But I did have my answers and there were days when I sat in my apartment wondering if I really did the right thing. In my heart I felt I did but my mind was so lost. I decided that it wasn't healthy for me and I stopped all communication with my biological father until one day I received an email from him and he needed to talk to me, I tried not to call but I did. The news was grim but the outcome looked hopeful. I decided at this time I needed to go out and meet him and really have those questons answered. In September of 2006 I conqured my fears of meeting him and flew out to New Jersey. I spent a week there and realized all along I had my answers I knew who my dad was and it was the man who raised me, not this man who I had no love for no desire to have any sort of relationship with. I flew home wondering yet again if I had really done the right thing. I know I did I met him and I met my 2 really awesome half brothers who just add to the picture. In June of this year I was tossing the idea of moving back to the east coast to be closer to all my family, when my biological father called and said he and my youngest brother Richard were going to come for a visit. I was really excited to see my brother, him and I are really close I was also hoping that this visit would change the relationship I had with our father. It didn't I just had more hatred to him and he was a complete jerk. The time spent was short but accomplished much. Not long after they flew home I received the most disturbing the phone call in the world, my brother Richard was on the other end telling me that our father was in the hospital and the news was grim. He was dying his cancer had spread to his brain, and wasn't expected to make it the week. I was lost the guilt was back and I hated myself for treating him like I did. I prayed he would make it but my prayers didn't get answered this time, on June 21st at 12:20am Curtis Colby Knapp my biological father was brought home to his Heavenly Father. I wish I had more time and I wish I could change the way I was and how I treated him, but what really matters is that I know no matter what he did love me and I guess deep down somewhere I really did love him to but to scared to to let it really show. Until the next time dad....

So Busy!!

Life has been so hectic lately, I sometimes feel all I do is work and when I get home the last thing I want to do is get on the computer and make a post!! So lets see last week it was so dang cold here we acctually had snow on Friday it was like a blizzard!! I can't believe it snowed so early and acctually stuck to the ground for awhile! I am so excited tho for winter to begin I absolutly love it! I can't believe that Christmas day is in exactly 2 months, as much as I love the holiday I hate how commercialized it has become, this year I am really going to concentrate on the real reason we celebrate it, so any ideas will be absolutly wonderful. So as my list of things to get done continue to grow, I must head off but I will write again soon! Oh and to my bestest friend in the whole world whom I love dearly congratulations on your pregnancy I am albiet jealous extremely happy for you and your husband you will make absolutly wonderful parents!!!

Ive done it!!

Ok so I have followed suite and here I am with my very first blog!! Not really sure but I guess it's a great idea. Sometimes it's so hard to keep in touch with friends both near and far away so hopefully this will help us all feel closer no matter how many miles or how much water seperates us all!!